It's been a while.
I haven't known quite what to say.
Truth to tell I have not been my brightest bestest self.
And I don't want to add my woes.....pathetic, self indulgences that they largely are......to the wider world.
I had a planned three week break from 'the skills that pay the bills' which was mostly spent in the studio being creative.
the sartorial elegance of the self-employed
But, the nature of those bills is that they keep on coming and inevitably......as I always intended in fact........I had to return to work.
I did so cheerfully.
Because the best way to do anything is cheerfully.
I did so with appropriate gratitude; I work with lovely people and get paid very well.
But I went back with my heart and mind elsewhere and by day three I was utterly depleted.
By day four I was ready to face square on the idea that I need to do something else.
preferably something like this
This thinking is just a negative loop on repeat.
But every time I talk myself out of wanting the change I am either fooling myself or compromising massively.......not healthy.
The trouble is that I always reduce this thinking to
'what right do I have, in my western world of comfort, to expect bells and whistles on top when half the world is in poverty and hunger or suffering the onslaughts of megalomaniacs with guns and murderous ideologies.
How does my making little bits of frippery and beauty make a difference.
How can it count.'
saving junk cutlery from landfill does probably count for something…..small something
But, while walking the dogs......my best time for inspiration to strike..... I thought this
'doing what you do for a living with half a heart is probably more selfish and callow than doing something which makes you feel fulfilled and for which you are ideally suited'!?
I could shout down that particularly pervasive, new agey ( or is it old agey now?) manifest-what-you-want idea in a heartbeat.
And I did.
Later seeking clarity and inspiration from a different source I reread some journal entries from my time in the Gower this summer.
Then, I was pursuing idleness as part of an on-line course and contemplating what in life needed squeezing 'till all the juice is released"!
Is like breath. It is where I both lose and find myself. Time passes and has no meaning. Art/making involves the whole of me, the real me, it hurts me, it heals me and reveals me. I love it.
I live it.
I want it.
I will not be deprived of it by anything or anyone anytime or anywhere.
Simplicity and solitude.
I have loved the quiet, the space indoors and out and the absence of 'stuff'. This week has been a week of few material possessions and even fewer material acquisitions- particularly paid for acquisitions....thinking shells, seagull skulls and artful driftwood.
There has been a beautiful balance between creativity, time to ponder and just be........and the necessary chores.
Food.......buying, prepping and clearing up after.....being the main chore which becomes a creative pleasure when it is done at leisure and with focus.
Also chasing dog hair around with a vacuum cleaner and chasing dogs around on a beach, so much more satisfying when done as required and not as items to be ticked off a long tyrannical 'to do' list in a time deprived schedule.
my hermit's cave
So, I am going to share the dream that I excavated, rounded off and understood back then.
Because my dream will not lay down and die.
And believe me I have done my level best to murder it.
Murder by denial and neglect.
By sharing it I with you I make myself more accountable.
I want to live like the introvert hermit type person that I am.......most of the time
and engage socially from a place of energetic loving rather than as the wrung out dish rag who usually shows up!
I want a better rhythm to my days where the everyday chores can be imbued with love and care........more often
where all aspects of living can be approached as part of a meditative practice........as much as possible.
I want to work from home, in my studio, making , designing, teaching.......most of the time.
I want to engage with people from a place of soul, heart to heart........always.
And I want to spend time with my dogs.....mainly this one. I know favouritism is bad but he favourited me first.
He has given me his heart.....troubled hurt little heart that it is.
All he wants is to be by my side
and a squeaky toy.
Not much to ask after the crappiest of crappy starts.
As dreams go it isn't that big when written down in black and white.
But it often seems unreachable.
To conclude....cos, don't know about you but I can feel a yawn coming on.
I would like to thank each and everyone of you who supports me in my dream.
To all those who contribute words of encouragement and constructive criticism/ helpful advice......big thanks.
To all of you who have bought my work and taken me closer to where I want to be......a huge thank you.
To all of you who read my blog .....big thanks because even in your silence your presence helps the dream gain momentum and when you do comment it creates a tidal surge of encouragement.
How the *!!* I am going to make this dream come true is uncertain.
Planning not my strong suit.
For now the aim is just to keep on keeping on.
And take time to gaze at the moon.